Depressed and Anxious

Some days when I wake up I just feel like there's something wrong or missing in my life, but I can't figure out what it is. This makes me sad and anxious. Unconsciously I started eating every time I felt this way. When I noticed the extra pounds that I was gaining, I changed from sweets, to vegetables and fruits. But I continued eating, even if I wasn’t hungry. I tried to diminish the food I ate. I ended biting my nails instead, to replace what I wasn’t having. It was more like a necessity to have something in my mouth, than to really needing the food. I remember that when I was in high school I used to chew the top of my pens, because I couldn’t eat in class. I destroyed so many pens, and I still do. This year I began chewing gum to stop me from eating my nails or pens, but it is “impossible”.

Now that I’m a little bit older, I started to realize that my anxiety was caused by the constant fighting of my parents in front of me and the many threats of my mother of getting a divorce. Luckily they continue together, but they keep fighting, although they do it with less frequency. They always fight over money not being enough for paying the school for my sisters, and my college career (Med-School is not cheap. Even though I got like a discount, it continues to be expensive), and also over them not being able to be at home to help my sisters with their homework. That’s where the other reason for me being depressed and anxious comes from.

They’re pressuring me to come back early from class to be here with my sisters. And I’m always telling them that that’s not my problem those aren’t my kids, and that I don’t have time. Med-School requires a lot of time and commitment. And also my sisters have learned a lot of my parents. They’re constantly fighting and yelling at each other which gets annoying within a few minutes. The worst part is that my parents spoiled them, and they won’t listen to anyone, not even to my parents. So whenever I try to tell them to stop yelling and fighting, they’ll just ignore me. (“THAT’S A VERY GOOD REASON FOR NOT WANTING TO HAVE KIDS”)

Another reason is their constant disappointment at everything that I have ever done. Nothing is good enough for them. I was the best student of my high school, and just because I had 1 B they were like I’ve never had a B in my life I was straight A’s. And I just hate that they’re comparing me. “I am me, I’m not them” what part of it they don’t get?
That stuff created in my mind a negative thinking about me. Now everything I do is never enough for me. And that makes me feel even worse.

I was considering changing my career because my real passions are music and acting. But here in Ecuador acting and music sucks. Since I lost my visa I can’t go to the U.S.A. and study, which was kind of my goal. Also I feel like I will disappoint my grandfather if I drop out of med-school, because I’m the first in the family to study the same that he did. None of his 6 children studied medicine and when I told him that I wanted to study medicine he felt really excited and proud of me and that made me feel great. Now that I’ve finished my first year of med-school I realize that I like music and acting much more than medicine and I was thinking of dropping out but every time I’m going to do it I remember my grandpa and back out. I’ve always been his favorite grandchild so I don’t want to disappoint him. So I was considering finishing med-school and then study arts. That probably be in about 10 years, but I still have plenty of time, since I’m only 19.

PS: Sorry for writing this much I just let it all out without even noticing how much I was writing. Thanks for your patience.